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	<title type="text">Shanita Hubbard | Vox</title>
	<subtitle type="text">Our world has too much noise and too little context. Vox helps you understand what matters.</subtitle>

	<updated>2020-10-06T18:25:07+00:00</updated>

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			<author>
				<name>Shanita Hubbard</name>
			</author>
			
			<title type="html"><![CDATA[My family had the same virus as Trump, but not the same privilege]]></title>
			<link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="https://www.vox.com/first-person/21504046/coronavirus-trump-covid-19" />
			<id>https://www.vox.com/first-person/21504046/coronavirus-trump-covid-19</id>
			<updated>2020-10-06T14:25:07-04:00</updated>
			<published>2020-10-06T11:50:00-04:00</published>
			<category scheme="https://www.vox.com" term="Covid-19" /><category scheme="https://www.vox.com" term="Health" />
							<summary type="html"><![CDATA[On Friday, the president of the United States informed the world that he contracted the coronavirus. Soon, medical staff and Trump himself outlined the extensive care he was receiving:&#160;around-the-clock physicians who were able to administer oxygen and the best experimental drugs currently unavailable to the public, not to mention a helicopter ride to a hospital [&#8230;]]]></summary>
			
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<img alt="" data-caption="White House physician Sean Conley, center, along with a team to doctors, arrives to update reporters on President Trump’s condition at Walter Reed Medical Center on October 5. | Saul Loeb/AFP via Getty Images" data-portal-copyright="Saul Loeb/AFP via Getty Images" data-has-syndication-rights="1" src="https://platform.vox.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/chorus/uploads/chorus_asset/file/21940380/GettyImages_1228914460.jpg?quality=90&#038;strip=all&#038;crop=0,0,100,100" />
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	White House physician Sean Conley, center, along with a team to doctors, arrives to update reporters on President Trump’s condition at Walter Reed Medical Center on October 5. | Saul Loeb/AFP via Getty Images	</figcaption>
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<p>On Friday, the president of the United States informed the world that he contracted the <a href="https://www.vox.com/coronavirus-covid19">coronavirus</a>. Soon, medical staff and Trump himself outlined the <a href="https://time.com/5896274/trump-covid-19-treatments/">extensive care</a> he was receiving:&nbsp;around-the-clock physicians who were able to administer oxygen and the best <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/10/2/21499349/donald-trump-covid-19-positive-regeneron-treatment-coronavirus-walter-reed">experimental drugs</a> currently unavailable to the public, not to mention a helicopter ride to a hospital where this VIP treatment would continue.</p>

<p>His diagnosis came after spending most<strong> </strong>of the pandemic flouting any cautionary measures against spread, holding massive indoor rallies despite warnings from the CDC, and <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/10/2/21498414/trump-tests-positive-coronavirus-mask-biden">refusing to consistently</a> wear a mask, <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/03/politics/trump-biden-coronavirus-mask/index.html">mocking those of us who faithfully wore them</a>. Fortunately for him, the response to his actions have been met with an extremely high level of medical care. The rest of us who have been cautious and considerate haven&rsquo;t been so fortunate.&nbsp;</p>

<p>Around mid-March, one of my family members got Covid-19. Much of my family works in the medical field in New York &mdash;&nbsp;from caring for patients in nursing homes to working as registered nurses in hospitals. At the height of the pandemic, when cases in the city were the highest in the nation, my family member told us on a phone call that they felt physically exhausted and had trouble breathing. They immediately went to the hospital, fearing Covid-19, and were told they weren&rsquo;t &ldquo;sick enough.&rdquo; They were not given a test and were simply told to go home because the tests, beds, and space was reserved for those with more &ldquo;severe symptoms.&rdquo; So they went home.&nbsp;</p>

<p>As a front-line worker, it was very possible that they were in contact with an infected person. Out of a sense of responsibility, they called out of work and attempted to self-medicate with tea and rest. A couple of days later, their symptoms intensified. It became even more difficult to breathe and their chest pains were especially challenging at night.</p>

<p>Once again, we urged them to go back to the hospital. Again, they were told despite the escalations in symptoms, the hospital simply did not have enough tests to administer one to somebody who was not presenting with &ldquo;severe and clear signs of Covid-19.&rdquo; They returned home more emotionally broken than the previous time. It took a third attempt at a hospital, one that was located in a more affluent community, before my family member received a test. They tested positive and were told to quarantine for 14 days at home.&nbsp;</p>

<p>Last weekend, as Trump&rsquo;s inner circle continued to test positive, former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he was experiencing &ldquo;mild symptoms&rdquo; and was checking himself into the hospital &ldquo;out of an abundance of caution.&rdquo; (Christie attended a September 26 White House event for Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett, with Trump and other Republican officials, that may have fueled spread of the virus.)</p>

<p>Based on this report, Christie &mdash; now a civilian, like my relative, yet not an essential worker, like my relative &mdash; had the privilege of being quickly tested and able to <em>decide</em> he should occupy a bed at a hospital. He had the luxury to make this decision as effortlessly as many of us decide between the option of which hotel to stay at for vacation.&nbsp;</p>

<p>Earlier treatment is a life-or-death situation. When my relative got sick, they had to watch the virus quickly spread through my family as they slowly recovered. Almost every family they came in contact with before they were tested became infected. None of my family members were admitted to the hospital despite each of them having a consistent temperature of about 103, some with a history of asthma, and extreme difficulty breathing. This in turn meant the significant others of said family members were also infected. It was a wild-spreading fire fueled by lack of privilege.&nbsp;</p>

<p>While the exact number of people hospitalized for Covid-19 is <a href="https://www.propublica.org/article/we-still-dont-know-how-many-people-are-in-the-hospital-with-covid-19">still unclear</a>, according <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/coronavirus-testing-denials/2020/03/12/a70eca1e-63df-11ea-912d-d98032ec8e25_story.html">to self-reported data,</a> people across the country indicated they were denied care at alarming rates. Seven months into the pandemic, I deduce this number would be even greater if we factored in <a href="https://www.chcf.org/blog/striving-equity-covid-19-testing/">the number of people</a> who lack access to reliable transportation to get them to drive-thru testing centers and hospitals. Which makes it likely that thousands upon thousands of Americans suffered at home with all the symptoms of Covid-19 without an official diagnosis.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>Fortunately, my relatives lived, but hundreds of<strong> </strong>thousands of other Americans did not. I get to tell the story of my family while they are all still alive. Others are sharing similar stories over Zoom funerals.&nbsp;</p>

<p>The impact of Covid-19 will be written about and dissected by historians for decades. However, perhaps the most important theme to note is<strong> </strong>that privilege dictates how we are all experiencing this pandemic. It&rsquo;s a tale of two pandemics.&nbsp;</p>

<p>It&rsquo;s well documented that <a href="https://www.vox.com/coronavirus-covid19/2020/10/2/21496884/us-covid-19-deaths-by-race-black-white-americans">Black people are dying</a> of Covid-19 at <a href="https://covidtracking.com/race">2.3 times the rate</a> of white people. As of June, <a href="https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/8/26/21400035/coronavirus-covid-19-mortality-black-americans">reports</a> indicate that almost one-third of Black Americans know somebody who died of Covid-19. The disproportionate death rate isn&rsquo;t exclusive to Black Americans, either. The impact of the disease has also <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/4/17/21225610/us-coronavirus-death-rates-blacks-latinos-whites">devastated the Latino community</a> and families <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/04/22/how-coronavirus-impacts-certain-races-income-brackets-neighborhoods/3004136001/">living below the poverty line</a>. Then there are the front-line workers, particularly those with lower-paying jobs, who have not had the privilege of working from home. Some families with even less income were forced to quit their jobs in order to educate their children when schools resorted to remote learning, contributing to the <a href="https://www.aljazeera.com/economy/2020/10/6/mom-burnout-pandemic-driving-millions-of-women-from-us-workforce">high rate of unemployment</a> among especially women of marginalized groups.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>Social inequality and the exorbitant income gap in this country were not created by Covid-19 &mdash;&nbsp;they were magnified. So while Trump is able to quarantine in his &ldquo;<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-walter-reed-discharge-mask/2020/10/05/91edbe9a-071a-11eb-859b-f9c27abe638d_story.html">map room</a>,&rdquo; many families in lower-income communities are trying to navigate the space of a one-bedroom apartment while they self-isolate.&nbsp;</p>

<p>Many will argue that no expense or treatment should be spared to keep the leader of the country alive. I understand that notion. However, it&rsquo;s intellectually dishonest to ignore the fact that this <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/6/8/21242003/trump-failed-coronavirus-response">administration not only failed to respond</a> to the virus at the speed required, but it <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/latest-updates-trump-covid-19-results/2020/10/02/919432383/how-trump-has-downplayed-the-coronavirus-pandemic">downplayed the pandemic&rsquo;s severity</a> multiple times during this crisis. All of this was done with the complete understanding that <a href="https://www.vox.com/21499015/trump-covid-19-positive-testing-coronavirus-white-house">they themselves</a> would receive the best health care this country could provide if they contracted it. It&rsquo;s a despicable lack of empathy. Why should the lives of other Americans be valued any less?&nbsp;</p>

<p>Right now, the world is discussing Trump&rsquo;s Covid-19 diagnosis. Arguments are circular about what is and isn&rsquo;t true about his health. Discussions continue about the fairness of the leader of the free world being treated with the best therapies his privilege can afford while so many American citizens were denied hospital care. Regardless of your political affiliations, or even your position on these discussions, one thing can&rsquo;t be ignored: In America, the impact of this pandemic is predicated on your privilege.</p>

<p>Privilege, as well as negligence, is Trump <a href="https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1313186529058136070?s=20">declaring</a> that a disease <a href="https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/coronavirus-u-s-map-where-virus-has-been-confirmed-across-n1124546">that killed more than 200,000 American citizens</a> is something we shouldn&rsquo;t be afraid of. My family, and millions like us, will tell a different story.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p><a href="https://twitter.com/msshanitarenee"><em><strong>Shanita Hubbard</strong></em></a><em>&nbsp;is a former therapist, current adjunct sociology professor, and the author of the upcoming book</em>&nbsp;Miseducating: A Woman&rsquo;s Guide to Hip-Hop.</p>
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			<entry>
			
			<author>
				<name>Shanita Hubbard</name>
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			<title type="html"><![CDATA[It’s nice to fantasize about a return to hugs and large gatherings. But is it healthy?]]></title>
			<link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="https://www.vox.com/2020/5/20/21262737/return-to-normal-coronavirus-pandemic" />
			<id>https://www.vox.com/2020/5/20/21262737/return-to-normal-coronavirus-pandemic</id>
			<updated>2020-05-19T17:17:35-04:00</updated>
			<published>2020-05-20T08:30:00-04:00</published>
			<category scheme="https://www.vox.com" term="archives" />
							<summary type="html"><![CDATA[Few things have the power to steal your sense of normalcy and safety like a pandemic. Our most vulnerable citizens have been devastated, businesses have been destroyed, and the way we work, care for others, and manage time has been altered.&#160; As a nation, Americans have experienced a collective trauma that has us longing for [&#8230;]]]></summary>
			
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<img alt="" data-caption="Fantasizing about a return to “normal” is one reaction to the collective trauma of a pandemic. | Getty Images" data-portal-copyright="Getty Images" data-has-syndication-rights="1" src="https://platform.vox.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/chorus/uploads/chorus_asset/file/19987019/GettyImages_1124494417.jpg?quality=90&#038;strip=all&#038;crop=0,0,100,100" />
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	Fantasizing about a return to “normal” is one reaction to the collective trauma of a pandemic. | Getty Images	</figcaption>
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<p>Few things have the power to steal your sense of normalcy and safety like a pandemic. Our <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/4/10/21207520/coronavirus-deaths-economy-layoffs-inequality-covid-pandemic">most vulnerable citizens</a> have been devastated, <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/5/11/21254892/coronavirus-us-economy-primary-health-care-insurance">businesses have been destroyed</a>, and the way we work, care for others, and manage time has been altered.&nbsp;</p>

<p>As a nation, Americans have experienced a collective trauma that has us longing for a&nbsp;pre-Covid-19 world. A world of grocery shopping without masks, handshakes without fear, and, for many of us, a break from <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/4/8/21203754/coronavirus-housing-cancel-rent-strikes">worrying about paying rent</a> and <a href="https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/4/22/21228680/coronavirus-covid-19-deaths-old-elderly-people">losing loved ones</a>. This desire for normalcy is what underscores the lavish plans people are making when shelter-in-place orders are fully lifted in every state. &ldquo;When the outside world opens up, I&rsquo;m throwing the biggest party and hugging everyone I ever met&rdquo; seems to be the statement most often echoed across social media.&nbsp;</p>

<p>These expressions, although clearly an exaggeration said in jest, offer a glimpse at a very real assumption &mdash; that things <em>can</em> return to normal. Which raises the question: Is it emotionally healthy to believe in the same &ldquo;normal&rdquo; post-pandemic, or is this a dangerous coping mechanism? What has history taught us about societal changes after a collective trauma? And what exactly will &ldquo;normal&rdquo; look like?&nbsp;</p>

<p>Vox spoke to <a href="https://psychology.arizona.edu/users/jeff-greenberg">Jeff Greenberg</a>, a psychologist and co-author of the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Wake-11-Psychology-Terror-ebook/dp/B00DGC3XKI/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&amp;qid=1588602961&amp;refinements=p_27%3AJeff+Greenberg&amp;s=books&amp;sr=1-13&amp;text=Jeff+Greenberg"><em>In the Wake of 9/11: The Psychology&nbsp;of Terror</em></a>, about why humans react the way they do to the threat of death and whether there&rsquo;s a balance between remaining hopeful and being practical. Our interview has been edited and condensed.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>I&rsquo;m just going to get straight to it: Do you think, collectively, we are grabbing on to&nbsp;fantasies about what a post-Covid world is going to look like as a way to protect ourselves from our emotions?&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>Yes, a lot of us feel like we are waiting for a normal reality to return. We are not doing a lot of the things we used to do. We aren&rsquo;t going out to concerts, shows, or movies. We&rsquo;re not spending time with friends. We are all sort of in a holding pattern trying to live our lives the best we can. A lot of us are losing our sense of time, and days are running together, especially if you are working from home. This isn&rsquo;t our normal routine. Most of our symbolic realities have been altered significantly in a negative way by the virus and the consequences of the virus. I think it&rsquo;s inevitable that we are looking forward to a more normal reality. The most comfortable thing is to imagine that this will all go away and we are going to go back to the same symbolic reality that we know.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>I agree that it&rsquo;s comfortable to fantasize, but is it<em> healthy </em>to fantasize&nbsp;about going back to our old realities? How does this serve us?</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>Yes and no. A little bit of unrealistic optimism can be healthy while we are experiencing this. But at the same time, it can set you up for difficulties adjusting when that future reality isn&rsquo;t as simple.&nbsp;Fantasies can provide hope, but you don&rsquo;t want to go too far. For example, you hear people saying things like, &ldquo;We will never have sports again; live sports are gone forever.&rdquo; Being overly pessimistic is just as unhealthy as being overly optimistic.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>Is there a healthier way to cope?&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>You can balance fantasies and practicality. For example, you <em>should</em> imagine yourself traveling again if that was part of your life. These are helpful thoughts. It would also be helpful to think about what the new conditions of traveling will look like. Yes, a flight from NYC to Italy may still be in your future, but this may also look like wearing a mask on a nine-hour flight.</p>

<p>Fantasies are great, but they have to be practical. And being overly pessimistic is not helpful, either. Research on <a href="https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2004/04/pelham">affective forecasting</a> shows that people overestimate the negative impact of future circumstances. Simply put, we are better at adjusting to negative circumstances than we think we will be.&nbsp;For example, the scrutiny when we go to airports is much greater after 9/11, but after enough time we adjusted to things like taking off our shoes, taking out your laptop, removing liquids, and just a much slower security screening. The healthier approach is to imagine there will be changes, but reassuring yourself that individually, the people you care about, and society as a whole, will cope and adjust. We will come to terms with the changes.&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>Are there stages of coming&nbsp;to terms with changes?&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>It can be difficult to generalize this. This is really unique, so I wouldn&rsquo;t put a number on the stages. But there will be a process of adjustment. There will be resistance to the changes. There will be people experiencing reactants &mdash; when we feel like a freedom that we have is being threatened. This is why we hear things like, &ldquo;I thought I had the freedom to go to a movie, and now I don&rsquo;t.&rdquo; The <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/5/12/21252476/masks-for-coronavirus-trump-pence-honeywell-covid-19">requirements to wear masks</a> are creating reactants. Some people are resisting because they feel like the government is telling us we can&rsquo;t breathe freely. We see this in <a href="https://www.vox.com/2020/4/19/21225195/stay-at-home-protests-trump-tea-party-reelection">all the protests</a>. So there will periods of adjustment for this.&nbsp;The key is to look at this with a broader perspective and recognize how we&rsquo;ve dealt with difficult challenges in the past.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>As someone who has studied the impact of behavior during and post-9/11, is there anything about this pandemic that is reminiscent of what the world felt then?</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>Yes, in both cases there is a deeper psychological threat of our mortality and vulnerability. Covid-19 particularly threatens what I call our bubble of security. We function as these symbolic beings of our identities &mdash; we&rsquo;re journalists, doctors, teachers, etc., and we are part of this larger meaningful world, and these sorts of threats bring us back to, well, maybe we&rsquo;re just these physical creatures who are trying to stay alive, and we can die soon due to these types of threats.</p>

<p>When we feel like this, we want to reinforce our beliefs in symbolic realities that typically protect us, so we grab on to heroes and create villains. In 9/11, the &ldquo;villains&rdquo; were the Taliban, and during Covid we&rsquo;ve seen an increase in prejudice [toward] Chinese people and Asian Americans. We need our heroes, so we grab on to either [New York Gov. Andrew] Cuomo or [President] Trump, depending where you lean politically, while others grab on to <a href="https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2020/5/18/21259093/anthony-fauci-merch-fandom">Dr. [Anthony] Fauci</a>.&nbsp;</p>
<figure class="wp-block-pullquote alignleft"><blockquote><p>“Fantasies can provide hope, but you don’t want to go too far”</p></blockquote></figure><h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>Is there anything about the shutdown of the economy that may have a physiological impact on us that we might not be mentally and emotionally preparing for?&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>Most people are feeling less significant in their lives because they have been cut off from the things that make them feel meaningful. A lot of people that are laid off are no longer providing for themselves and their families and are no longer pursuing their occupation because of all the things that have been shut down. When you&rsquo;re out of work, you don&rsquo;t feel great about yourself and you don&rsquo;t feel like you are contributing to society. This presents a psychological threat to people, and that needs to be considered.</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>How do we as a society prepare for this on a large-scale and individually?</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>We have to allocate more funds and resources into mental health services. On an individual level, people will have to be more cognizant of their own vulnerabilities and be open to receiving mental health support.&nbsp;</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Shanita Hubbard</h3>
<p>It can be challenging to have this conversation about what the world will look like in the next few months, because the truth is none of us know with complete certainty. What does a balance between remaining hopeful and being practical look like?</p>
<h3 class="wp-block-heading">Jeff Greenberg</h3>
<p>It&rsquo;s a complicated question, but it&rsquo;s important to state that even after 9/11, the world was different but it wasn&rsquo;t completely unrecognizable. The same will be true now.&nbsp;Things that we miss about our pre-pandemic life may gradually come back. We will not flip a switch and the pre-Covid world will exist. Expecting too much too fast will crush people. Adopting an approach somewhere in between is going to be the best approach.</p>

<p>It&rsquo;s well documented in science that humans are very good at adjustments. We have a <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/oct01/strength">psychological immune system</a>,&nbsp;which allows us to make adjustments in our lives after a negative impact. Also, history tells us we are resilient people. With proper time and safety precautions, we will create a new but recognizable normal.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
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			<author>
				<name>Shanita Hubbard</name>
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			<title type="html"><![CDATA[Why I will only date men who go to therapy]]></title>
			<link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/1/28/21083719/men-therapy-mental-health" />
			<id>https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/1/28/21083719/men-therapy-mental-health</id>
			<updated>2020-01-27T14:56:34-05:00</updated>
			<published>2020-01-28T08:20:00-05:00</published>
			<category scheme="https://www.vox.com" term="archives" />
							<summary type="html"><![CDATA[In 2020, I am vowing to only date men committed to prioritizing their emotional and mental health. If he doesn&#8217;t go to therapy, I&#8217;m not interested. In my last serious relationship, I had both the benefit of exploring my toxic behavior patterns and the burden of being with a partner who refused to do the [&#8230;]]]></summary>
			
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<img alt="" data-caption="" data-portal-copyright="&lt;a href=&quot;https://www.shutterstock.com/g/4774344sean&quot;&gt;wavebreakmedia&lt;/a&gt;/Shutterstock" data-has-syndication-rights="1" src="https://platform.vox.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/chorus/uploads/chorus_asset/file/19632406/shutterstock_249720160.jpg?quality=90&#038;strip=all&#038;crop=0,0,100,100" />
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<p>In 2020, I am vowing to only date men committed to prioritizing their emotional and mental health. If he doesn&rsquo;t go to therapy, I&rsquo;m not interested.</p>

<p>In my last serious relationship, I had both the benefit of exploring my toxic behavior patterns and the burden of being with a partner who refused to do the same. Our relationship started to shift when, during the height of an argument, I grew frustrated when my attempts at &ldquo;helping&rdquo; him solve a problem were being ignored. He followed up, like he often did, by screaming at the top of his lungs. Then he said something that snatched the movement from my body: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m not your project or something you can control.&rdquo;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>This was my second relationship where what I called &ldquo;the lack of appreciation for my help&rdquo; my partner called &ldquo;controlling.&rdquo; I realized I was the common denominator here.&nbsp;</p>

<p>What started as an exploration of trying to understand my own harmful behaviors ended in a commitment to therapy. There, I learned to call my attraction to &ldquo;broken&rdquo; men something more than a lack of gratitude or control; the illusion of &ldquo;fixing&rdquo; them allowed me to ignore all the areas where<em> </em>I was fractured. It allowed me to overlook the ways childhood traumas shaped my current relationship choices. It was classic <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201305/avoidance-coping">avoidance</a>.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>For months, I remained both in the relationship and in therapy to do the deeper work on myself. I directed my gaze away from scrutinizing his behavior and toward addressing the root of my own. I practiced mindfulness to reduce anxiety, used journaling to record and disrupt unhealthy patterns, and rotated coping mechanisms until I found one that fit. I was slowly forming healthy new habits. The need to control others was replaced by a desire for self-improvement.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, he refused to go to therapy or even examine his own harmful patterns. He saw therapy as a &ldquo;useless waste of time&rdquo; that had nothing to do with &ldquo;real life.&rdquo; Besides, &ldquo;nobody&rdquo; in his family believed in &ldquo;that stuff&rdquo; and they all turned out &ldquo;fine.&rdquo;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>My former partner was not an anomaly. <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/jun05/helping">According to the American Psychological Association</a>, research shows &ldquo;men of all ages and ethnicities are less likely than women to seek help for all sorts of problems &mdash; including depression and substance abuse.&rdquo; Which is particularly alarming considering the <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-men/201702/mens-mental-health-silent-crisis">data</a> that suggests &ldquo;men make up over 75 percent of suicide victims in the United States.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p><a href="https://www.smrcounselingservices.com/ObrienWimbishMAPastoralCounselor.en.html">O&rsquo;Brien Wimbish</a>, a clinically trained therapist who specializes in intimacy and infidelity recovery,&nbsp;told Vox, &ldquo;A lot of men are still operating under an unhealthy belief that addressing their feelings isn&rsquo;t masculine. They think talking about their emotions &mdash; or even identifying an emotion other than rage &mdash; can make them what they consider soft. So they shut down, or sometimes become more aggressive, in their interpersonal relationships.&rdquo;&nbsp;</p>

<p>Wimbish, who has never treated me or my former partner, offered a perspective that was consistent with my experience. During the course of our relationship, my former partner&rsquo;s propensity for screaming escalated to name-calling, and conflicts reached an all-time high. Or perhaps my tolerance for toxic relationships hit at an all-time low. But eventually, his version of love was no longer enough. I wanted reciprocity.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>I ended that relationship aware that constant self-work is a prerequisite for an emotionally healthier life and, if both parties are committed to it, the possibility of a healthy relationship.&nbsp;</p>

<p>To be clear, therapy is not a magic pill. &ldquo;Committing to therapy does not mean your relationship will be immune to trials,&rdquo; Wimbish said, &ldquo;but it certainly helps if both parties are fully invested in doing the work for their individual growth.&rdquo;&nbsp;</p>

<p>Therapy is also not cheap. Mental health providers in <a href="https://www.northwesternmutual.com/life-and-money/how-much-does-therapy-cost-and-how-do-you-pay-for-it/">many cities can charge $75-$150 for a 45-minute session</a>. Rates in New York City can be upward of $200 per hour.&nbsp;Therapists like Wimbish mitigate this by offering a sliding scale for payments. Sometimes, when the cost is still too high for me, I scale back and reserve sessions for particularly stressful seasons. And if a sliding payment scale is still a financial burden, research suggests regular practices of things like <a href="https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/mindfulness-meditation-may-ease-anxiety-mental-stress-201401086967">mindful meditation</a> and <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-we-worry/201802/10-tips-managing-your-anxiety">creating a positive social support system</a> can be forms of self-work. Wimbish added, &ldquo;establishing an accountability system centered around a self-improvement goal can increase success and sustainability.&rdquo;&nbsp;</p>

<p>There&rsquo;s also the fact that therapy doesn&rsquo;t work if you don&rsquo;t apply it once the session is over. As Wimbish said, &ldquo;You will not get the full benefits of therapy sessions without doing the homework assigned. It requires a personal commitment outside of my office.&rdquo; If therapy has taught me anything, it&rsquo;s taught me that the real work starts when you go home and use a new coping skill in response to stress or anxiety, instead of engaging in a familiar unhealthy habit.&nbsp;</p>

<p>These days, I have refined my approach to dating. Now, during that early stage when a man mentions how long he&rsquo;s been single, instead of inquiring about the details of the breakup, I ask how he managed the healing process. I recently met a guy who wasn&rsquo;t alarmed by the question. Without pause, he identified a couple of healthy coping strategies provided by his therapist. This on its own does not mean he will be the best partner for me. Rather, it suggests that he recognizes self-work as an individual process, one that he isn&rsquo;t socialized to be ashamed of. Which is a healthy start.</p>

<p><a href="https://twitter.com/msshanitarenee"><em><strong>Shanita Hubbard</strong></em></a><em>&nbsp;is a former therapist, current adjunct sociology professor, and the author of the upcoming book</em> Miseducating: A Woman&rsquo;s Guide to Hip-Hop.&nbsp;</p>
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				<name>Shanita Hubbard</name>
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			<title type="html"><![CDATA[50 Cent, Oprah, and the silencing of Black women survivors]]></title>
			<link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="https://www.vox.com/first-person/2019/12/17/21025433/50-cent-oprah-russell-simmons" />
			<id>https://www.vox.com/first-person/2019/12/17/21025433/50-cent-oprah-russell-simmons</id>
			<updated>2019-12-17T12:33:55-05:00</updated>
			<published>2019-12-17T13:00:00-05:00</published>
			<category scheme="https://www.vox.com" term="Celebrity Culture" /><category scheme="https://www.vox.com" term="Culture" />
							<summary type="html"><![CDATA[50 Cent wants his 25 million Instagram followers to know that Oprah Winfrey is &#8220;going after Black men.&#8221; After it was announced last week that Winfrey will be&#160;executive producing a documentary about the sexual misconduct allegations against Russell Simmons, the rapper called her out for choosing the hip-hop mogul as the subject of her new [&#8230;]]]></summary>
			
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<img alt="" data-caption="50 Cent, at a movie premiere in 2018, has accused  Oprah Winfrey of “going after her own” for producing a documentary about the sexual misconduct allegations against Russell Simmons. | John Lamparski/Getty Images" data-portal-copyright="John Lamparski/Getty Images" data-has-syndication-rights="1" src="https://platform.vox.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/chorus/uploads/chorus_asset/file/19536462/GettyImages_1054803552.jpg?quality=90&#038;strip=all&#038;crop=0,0,100,100" />
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	50 Cent, at a movie premiere in 2018, has accused  Oprah Winfrey of “going after her own” for producing a documentary about the sexual misconduct allegations against Russell Simmons. | John Lamparski/Getty Images	</figcaption>
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<p>50 Cent wants his 25 million Instagram followers to know that Oprah Winfrey is &ldquo;<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B5_3yBxnfzo">going after Black men</a>.&rdquo; After it was announced last week that Winfrey will be&nbsp;executive producing a documentary about the sexual misconduct allegations against Russell Simmons, the rapper called her out for choosing the hip-hop mogul as the subject of her new project and not, instead, white movie producer Harvey Weinstein. &ldquo;I just want to know why she is only going after her own,&rdquo; 50 Cent <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B6BS6Eln2Vf/">wrote</a> in one of several Instagram posts on the matter. &ldquo;When it&rsquo;s clear the penalties have been far more extreme for African American men.&rdquo;</p>
<div class="instagram-embed"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B5_4jgtHJWa/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">View Link</a></div>
<p>Simmons &mdash; who has been accused <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/12/14/570747792/more-women-come-forward-accusing-russell-simmons-of-rape-sexual-assault">by more than 10 women of sexual harassment, assault, and rape</a> &mdash;&nbsp;also created <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/B6BCKCsJxZu/">a lengthy Instagram post</a> to defend himself, disguised as an open letter to Winfrey. He declared that he is only &ldquo;guilty of exploiting, supporting, and making the soundtrack for a grossly unequal society.&rdquo;&nbsp;</p>

<p>This blatant cyberbullying by 50, and the public pressure tactic implemented by Simmons, isn&rsquo;t surprising. Especially for those of us who noticed the deafening silence in the hip-hop community when the <a href="https://www.vox.com/a/sexual-harassment-assault-allegations-list">Me Too movement</a> revealed decades of sexual misconduct in Hollywood and <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2018/07/the-25-candidates-for-2018-sunk-by-metoo-allegations/565457/">politics</a>. As a Black woman living in America who can barely recall a time where hip-hop wasn&rsquo;t the love of my life, I am painfully aware of how a culture I value so deeply can also create an atmosphere that fosters sexual violence against the women who helped birth it, while simultaneously muting its most marginalized population. By painting Oprah as the harmful party in the community, 50 is sending a dangerous message: publicly aligning with those who seek accountability from powerful Black men will face consequences &mdash; as though the Black men who allegedly perpetuated the violence are worth greater protection.&nbsp;</p>

<p>This was the same sentiment heard prior to the release of the <em>Surviving R. Kelly </em>documentary earlier this year. So-called Kelly supporters created <a href="https://www.dailydot.com/irl/firstthem-protect-r-kelly/">#FirstThem</a> to seemingly imply that before Black men like Kelly are held responsible, the world should first seek accountability from powerful white men who are alleged sexual offenders. It&rsquo;s the sort of logic that begs the questions: Are these #FirstThem men interested in any form of restorative justice for survivors of sexual violence, or are they seeking a world where Black men are able to harm women without impunity at the same rate of white men? Or perhaps, because in America the <a href="https://www.sentencingproject.org/publications/color-of-justice-racial-and-ethnic-disparity-in-state-prisons/">consequences</a> for Black men are typically more severe than white men, should Black women remain silent instead of publicly sharing their truth about sexual violence when the offender is a Black man?&nbsp;</p>

<p>These questions are muddy, but the implications are clear. When the stories of Black women survivors of sexual violence dig their way through the layers of systemic racism, stereotypical views of us being overly sexualized, and the shame and apprehension surrounding violence, they still have to face a distinct form of silencing.&nbsp;</p>

<p>Sharing your truth about sexual violence is never easy for any survivor, yet I would argue that this specific form of silencing is unique to Black women. The world watched as Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was <a href="https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/9/27/17880490/supreme-court-nominee-christine-blasey-ford-kavanaugh">attacked</a> for coming forward with allegations of sexual violence against now Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. The slew of horrendous verbal assaults she endured was typical for many women who come forward with such stories &mdash; and yet she wasn&rsquo;t accused of attacking white men as a whole. Inversely, for Black women who come forward with their truth about sexual violence, and apparently for women like Winfrey who support them, speaking out is suddenly presented as a <a href="https://www.latimes.com/bv-news-aarapes072004-story.html">large-scale&nbsp;accusation of race betrayal</a>.&nbsp;</p>

<p>However, pushing such violence back into the shadows only puts Black women in greater danger.&nbsp;In America, the intersection of gender, race, and socioeconomic status not only <a href="https://www.apa.org/pi/ses/resources/publications/minorities">influences your physical health and earning ability,</a> but if you&rsquo;re a survivor of sexual violence this trio may also determine if you receive justice. <a href="https://vawnet.org/sites/default/files/materials/files/2016-09/AR_SVAAWomenRevised.pdf">Research</a> demonstrates that although Black women experience higher rates of rape and sexual assault than white women, their reports are less likely to be recognized by the legal system. This is one of the primary reasons attacks go unreported, making quantifying the exact number of survivors impossible.&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>I suspect by the end of the week, the general public will have moved on from the sensationalism of two notable hip-hop figures using strategic tactics to bully and mute both the survivors, and one of the most powerful Black women in the country. Yet, I&rsquo;m perfectly clear on who will never forget this: the Black&nbsp;women watching who are suffering in silence, nursing wounds inflicted by men revered in a culture and country we love that doesn&rsquo;t always love us back.</p>

<p>To partially quote Simmons, this <em>is</em> a &ldquo;grossly unequal society.&rdquo; A society in which Black women who survive sexual violence, and even those of us who support them, can be further harmed with accusations of attacking our own race if the perpetrator is also Black. A society where scapegoats like &ldquo;well, what about the white men?&rdquo; are given room to grow. A society where some don&rsquo;t believe the stories of Black survivors, much less think they deserve to be amplified on a scale comparable to what a white woman would receive. 50 Cent might talk about protecting &ldquo;our own,&rdquo; but using intimidation to silence Black women only ensures further harm to our community.&nbsp;</p>

<p><a href="https://twitter.com/msshanitarenee"><em>Shanita Hubbard</em></a><em>&nbsp;is an adjunct professor of sociology and&nbsp;author of the upcoming book, </em>Miseducation: A Woman&rsquo;s Guide to Hip-Hop<em>.</em></p>
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