Even the possessor of the most hardened or scarred heart secretly yearns to connect deeply with another person. How else to explain why Mandy Len Catron’s January, 2015 New York Times essay “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” about her efforts to create love using a 20-year-old study by researcher Arthur Aron, drew 8 million views in one month?

Instead of a movie date, Catron and her co-experimenter, an acquaintance she’d admired from afar, asked and answered a series of increasingly personal questions like, “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?” and, “For what in your life do you feel most grateful?” The pair then stared deeply into one another’s eyes for four minutes. They fell in love.

Catron was attracted to the study in the first place because she was newly out of a toxic relationship and determined to change her negative pattern. She wrote, “I turned to science, hoping there was a way to love smarter.”

In my nine years as a therapist, I have learned that there is a way to love smarter. It’s not as simple as a 36-item questionnaire, but it works.

1) Make a “love résumé”

Before you can make a relationship work, you have to figure out what made all your old relationships not work. A question I am often asked is, “Why do I keep finding all the horrible men (or women)?” I counter with my own question, “Why do you keep looking for them?” followed by a suggestion, “Let’s look at the reasons you’ve thought love meant pain.”

To aid in this psychological excavation, I asked Rachel (names are changed), a survivor of multiple dysfunctional relationships, to do a “love résumé” as homework and to bring in the results during the next session. This involved making a chart listing details of her most important failed romances. There are four categories for each partner: his or her good points during the relationship, his or her bad points, your good points, and your bad points. I told her to be as honest and detailed as possible. It wasn’t necessary to add a “conclusions” category — we would do that together.

The next week we looked at the résumé, and then I asked her: “What patterns do you see in your partners’ behavior? In yours?” Rachel discovered she always fell for men who couldn’t commit, just as her father’s love blew hot and cold during her childhood. The more attention she craved, the more distant the man in her life became. Two of the men she wrote about cheated; a third only saw her twice a month.

Rachel’s résumé also helped her realize that sometimes she was the self-absorbed one: wanting favors done for her, but not necessarily willing to go out of her way in return. On a few occasions she’d noted “selfish” behavior on her part. “Even though Jim took me out for a lavish meal to celebrate my work promotion, I never even asked him how he felt after he was passed over for partner at his law firm. What kind of girlfriend is that?”

Writing out the patterns helped Rachel more clearly see her romantic strengths and weaknesses, as well as offering a road map toward overcoming her weaknesses. For instance, she had labeled herself “needy” in four of the five relationships she outlined. As we uncovered, neediness typically spurred defensiveness, as she feared being vulnerable: “I’ve been disappointed so much, starting with my father.”

The process of writing out her résumé led my patient to focus in a new way on her issues and how for years they’d gotten in the way of her finding healthy love. Rachel said, “I am starting to realize that it wasn’t my fault my father didn’t know how to love me … also that just because I feel needy doesn’t mean I don’t also need to be giving.”

2) When you meet someone, don’t brainwash yourself into rejecting them

Eating junk food harms our bodies. That may not stop us from devouring hot fudge sundaes and Big Macs, but at least we’re aware of the risks. The same holds true for “junk thoughts” we feed ourselves about potential partners: “My friends won’t think she’s interesting”; “I’m embarrassed to be with anyone who likes Taylor Swift”; “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have an edge!”

With this kind of self-induced psych-out, it’s next to impossible to give a potential partner outside your comfort zone a true chance.

Tami’s parents rejected her when she came out to them at age 16. As a result, she didn’t expect to be loved for who she was, and for years Tami chose partners who didn’t share her values — monogamy, family, honesty, kindness: “My most serious girlfriends and former wife cheated and lied constantly. My wife kept promising she would have a baby one day … till she finally admitted she never wanted a child.”

A question I am often asked is, “Why do I keep finding all the horrible men (or women)?” I counter with my own question, “Why do you keep looking for them?”

Now, finally dating a woman who possessed qualities Tami cherished, she subconsciously looked for excuses to pull away — thus the constant stream of negative propaganda she fed herself. I told Tami, “You’re scared, and that’s totally normal, but being okay with uncomfortable, scary feelings ultimately takes more energy than sabotaging the relationship.”

I told her when a thought like, “Sheila has no sense of style; I can’t be with someone who wears Gap clothing” invaded her head, to yell: “Stop — I’m creating bullshit because I’m scared!” I also suggested she discuss her fears with Sheila. Communication — real sharing — is the best offense against self-destructive defenses.

It took time and patience, but gradually Tami quieted her brain, began confiding fears to her new partner, and experienced an emotion she’d never experienced in a relationship: safety.

3) Lower your expectations

We’re constantly seduced into buying the shiniest toys, upgrading our iPhones every couple of years, and returning any item that delivers less than complete satisfaction.

When this mindset is applied to our relationships, alas, many could-have-been-happy-together couples crash on the shoals of unrealistic expectations. When you run into relationship conflict, then, it’s vital to ask yourself why this person is displeasing you — is it something concrete he or she has done or not done? Or is it that you expect your relationship to be perfect and your partner to effortlessly fulfill your every whim without you having to communicate exactly what that whim may be? If the answer is closer to the latter, your expectations are out of whack.

Meaning, stop thinking of a potential mate as the person who should slay every dragon, answer your every need even before it’s voiced, deliver happiness on a gold plate, and drop grapes and bonbons into your mouth.

You don’t quit a terrific job because your boss has a few annoying habits. Rather, you adjust, because the positives far, far outweigh the pain. Apply this same rationale to your relationship, and your happiness will exponentially increase.

The “expect less and receive more” philosophy was borne out by a 2014 study at Northwestern University led by psychologist Eli Finkel on the “suffocation model of marriage,” which found that “Americans today are increasingly — and perhaps unrealistically — asking their marriages to fulfill higher-level psychological needs, such as those related to personal growth and self-realization.”

Certainly spend quality time with the person you are dating — forgo movie dates to partake in activities the two of you can bond over. But don’t depend on your partner to dot your every emotional “i” and cross every wrenching “t.” Take care of many of your own needs through your job, hobbies, self-reliance, friendships. Dr. Finkel said, “The irony is that asking less of the marriage … will actually make the marriage stronger.”

Jamie’s relationships typically bottomed out because the woman inevitably came up short. “My mom and dad were always joined at the hip. They never needed anyone else around, even the kids,” he said. Jamie sees now that growing up he felt superfluous to his parents. This led him to crave a romantic partner who’d be totally focused on him and do everything exactly right.

Pressed for what “exactly right” meant, Jamie had no answer. “Just to do things the way I want them done,” he said limply.

“Your parents’ inattention left a hole no partner can fill,” I told him. “Dealing with remnants of our childhood pain is an inside job. Tell yourself you’re not that sad little boy anymore. You’re a wonderful grown-up who deserves grown-up love.”

When Jamie met someone promising, I reminded him, “Relationships are better when both people have a light touch with one another and can be happy with what is freely offered to them, versus demanding more, more, more.”

This relationship blossomed as Jamie learned to tell himself things like, “Tara does things her own way, and that’s okay” when his girlfriend’s bed-making style after a sleepover lacked the hospital corners he was accustomed to. “It’s nice to not be so rigid in my expectations, Sherry,” he said at our most recent session. “How nice she makes the bed at all!”

4) Protect your relationship from negative influences

A promising new relationship must be nurtured and cherished to increase its odds of success. However, real life is not a fetal care unit. There are outside forces that can urge you to follow your worst instincts. Forces you must run from like a chocoholic fleeing Valentine’s Day Godiva. Forces such as a “friend” who is jealous of your shot at happiness. Or an encounter with the ex you can’t forget.

Ivy was a recovering addict. Through a 12-step program, therapy, and much self-reflection she arrived at the place where she could flourish in a relationship with Timothy, also a recovering addict, who treated her “like a special being.”

You don’t quit a terrific job because your boss has a few annoying habits. Apply this same rationale to your relationship.

She came in one session, exclaiming, “Sherry, I ran into Vic!” A decade previously, Ivy and her ex husband shared a drunken, abusive relationship that ultimately drove her to AA.

The former couple went for a cup of coffee that turned into eight hours of nonstop conversation. Ivy told me, “At first he seemed so charming and funny. I remembered all the reasons I’d been attracted to him in the first place. Then he turned mean and insulting and condescending, and I started slipping back into the bubble. For a moment.”

Happily, Ivy remembered how far she’d come, and made a conscious decision that she’d gone too far to slip backward. She threw money on the table and ran to “call Timothy and tell him how great he is.” Ivy smiled at me, “I’m over the crap. I’m ready to be loved properly and to give 110 percent back. I deserve it.”

5) Cultivate gratitude for your partner

We’ve all heard the advice that focusing on what we have versus dwelling on what we lack results in greater life satisfaction. Similarly, studies tell us that fostering a spirit of gratitude rather than annoyance toward our partner has a positive effect on our relationship.

Ava was in the habit of moaning about all the reasons she could never fall in love with her new boyfriend. “Dan’s not as romantic as other guys I’ve been with.” “He’s funny sometimes, but I’m the one who makes him laugh more.”

I said to her, “Let’s look in a different direction. What are the things about him that you are grateful for?” She thought a few moments, and then said, “Dan is super considerate, more so than anyone I’ve ever dated. If I have a cold, he’s at the door with chicken soup. I really appreciate that. He also treats me beautifully — opening doors, pulling out chairs. I didn’t realize I’d like that so much. And, well, he’s a terrific kisser.”

To keep the momentum going, I gave her a homework assignment: Spend 10 minutes every day thinking of reasons she was glad Dan was in her life. She also had to express thanks when he did something kind and loving, as well as extend herself toward him in kind and loving ways.

Over time, this changed the way she viewed the relationship. Dan indeed was someone with whom she could fall in love. A year later, she handed me an envelope with lovely calligraphy: her wedding invitation.

Sherry Amatenstein is a couples therapist in New York City and the author of three books on relationships.

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First Person is Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays. Do you have a story to share? Read our submission guidelines, and pitch us at firstperson@vox.com.

My parents survived the Holocaust, so I was raised by people who had been wrenched through and through by horror and loss. Mom spent ages 14 to 17 in a work camp (once stealing potatoes from under her captors’ noses to feed a friend sick with typhus), and came home to find her mother and two sisters were dead. Dad was imprisoned at Auschwitz and Dachau. Despite the pain poised just beneath the surface, my parents were role models for how to wrest joy and meaning from tragedy.

Two snippets: Mom’s ability to laugh like a banshee at her own jokes, even when she alone found them funny. Dad’s determination to be a moral person — the kind who, if he found a quarter in a phone booth (remember them?), returned it to the phone company.

I am a therapist, and when I see the fortitude of my patients in dealing with catastrophic events beyond their control I am reminded anew of what human beings can discover about themselves once they accept that they can’t undo a tragedy — but they can relate to it in a new, healthier way. Here are six positive things that can emerge from grief.

1) You have the freedom of knowing you’ve already experienced the worst thing imaginable

For a decade, the main role for my patient Carrie (all patients’ names are changed) was as caretaker to her dying husband. Over the years she’d given Tom her all — including a kidney. Despite this gift of love, the desperately ill man who had also endured esophageal cancer, congestive heart failure, and multiple strokes was eventually moved to a nursing home. Carrie sobbed in my office many times: “I know Tom wants to give up, but I can’t let him go. If he dies, there is nothing left for me. I might as well be buried, too.”

When you stuff your junk into a closet, eventually the door will spring open and crap will fall on your head

After his death, her grief was titanic. And yet, three weeks after the burial she admitted, “I miss him with every breath I take, but there is also relief. When the phone rings, my heart doesn’t leap to my throat. I don’t need to worry something terrible happened. It already has.”

Within six months, Carrie was experiencing a renaissance. Her life, cribbed and cramped for so long, dependent solely on her husband’s wavering physical state, suddenly took flight. She traveled abroad with her teenage daughter, joined a book club, and started job-hunting. “Life is different than I imagined it would be on my wedding day,” she told me. “Things obviously haven’t turned out the way I wished, but there are new dreams I am pursuing.”

2) You realize your own resilience

One of the worst days of my life occurred over Labor Day weekend when I was 17. An afternoon of mocha brownies, sparkling sunshine, and backgammon was ruined when I took a phone call from a cousin. Her father had been hit by a car and was in surgery. I had to tell my mother this devastating news about her older brother, another Holocaust survivor, and watch the laughter drain from her eyes.

My uncle died on the operating table. Initially I feared my mother would not recover from this latest atrocity. The sounds coming from her throat as she lay in bed were guttural and endless. How much tragedy could a person endure?

For a solid year she wore black and forswore parties, movies — any entertainment. Mom was changed, another bullet fragment permanently lodged in her heart. But her spirit proved resilient. After the first terrible months, laughter returned to our house. She said to me once, “Sherry, so many things have happened that could have ended me, that I thought would end me — but I’m too stubborn to let this take me down.”

Whenever something happens that I initially don’t see how I can survive, I look in the mirror and say, “I’m too stubborn to let this take me down.”

3) Your priorities change — for the better

Anna said during one of our early sessions, “I have no savings because I’m constantly putting money into a wacky business scheme or splurging on five expensive handbags. I guess I’m afraid to say no because I don’t want to miss out on something wonderful.” This same philosophy applied to romance: “I hook up with inappropriate men because it could be tons of fun.”

Alas, most of the time she wound up “regretful and feeling guilty over having made impulsive and often stupid decisions that wind up hurting me.”

A devastating life event altered this pattern: Anna’s brother was killed in a drive-by shooting. This act of random violence caused indescribable agony to Anna and her parents. When Anna was finally able to contemplate rejoining the world, she decided the only way to make her life feel meaningful was to “stop letting it dribble away.”

Two years after the crime that ripped apart her family, Anna is no longer reckless. “I take time to make decisions that will benefit me beyond the next week, because I know what a gift my life is and how quickly it can vanish.”

Anna decided the only way to make her life feel meaningful was to “stop letting it dribble away”

Stacey’s priorities also shifted after loss, in a different way. She began therapy two weeks after her husband died of a brain embolism. Session after session, she kept repeating: “What were we waiting for? There were so many trips we wanted to take but kept telling ourselves even weekend getaways needed to wait until we felt more financially secure.” Boxes of Kleenex were emptied as Stacey mourned lost chances: “Dan and I were so focused on working like demons for the future that we rarely sat on our porch to watch the sunset together.”

After much inner work, Stacey has stopped beating herself up for what she views as mistakes. “There will always be regrets, but instead of drowning in them I want to use the energy to push me forward.”

This translates to a determination to never again devalue the importance of being in her life versus waiting for it to begin on some far-off day. Stacey is taking watercolor classes just because and makes sure to get out of the city once a month to enjoy nature. “Dan and I loved being outdoors, so whenever I’m taking a hike or savoring a sunset I feel him with me.”

4) Being bitter will only make things worse

If anyone had a right to stew in bitterness and fury, it was my father. Dad watched his parents and little sister march to the gas chambers at Auschwitz. Yet the man who raised me was the most gentle and forgiving person I’ve ever met. My father once noticed a confused elderly man wandering crowded streets, brought him home, and then tracked down the man’s grateful daughter. Whenever a friend of mine visited, if a parent wasn’t picking her up my dad drove the girl home. My father sold household goods and clothing, and if a customer couldn’t immediately pay for the merchandise, Dad issued an IOU on the spot. He told me, “Being kind no matter what other people are like helps me feel good about myself.”

Over a two-year period I interviewed 66 Holocaust survivors in their homes as part of Steven Spielberg’s USC Shoah Foundation: the Institute for Visual History and Education. The survivors who were happiest were the ones who had been able to release — to some degree, at least — dark feelings toward their torturers. One interviewee told me, “It doesn’t mean I forget or totally forgive. But for my own well-being I don’t carry inside the injustice of what was done to me.”

5) You can’t outrun your grief

Within six months after the death of his wife, Lenny had taken a trip to Europe, run his first half-marathon, and accepted a demanding promotion at work.

He came to therapy after “totally losing it” during a meditation class at a corporate retreat. Lenny admitted, “It was the first time since Pam’s heart attack that I was still for 10 minutes, other than sleeping, and everything inside me collapsed.”

I frequently tell patients, “When you stuff all the junk you don’t want to look at into a closet, eventually the door will spring open and piles of crap will fall on your head.”

Trauma demands acknowledgement and respect. The best coping tool is to sit with the pain.

Lenny had literally crossed the ocean and worn out several pairs of running shoes to escape his grief, but he could not maintain that grueling pace forever. When he finally succumbed to a moment of reflection, the sorrow, gathering force during the long dormancy, could no longer be denied. As my patient came to learn, trauma demands acknowledgement and respect. The best coping tool is to sit with the pain, rather than run and pretend you are fine.

Lenny spent many sessions lost in wrenching heartache, convinced the grief, once unleashed, would be never-ending. But a truth of life is that no emotion lasts forever — not the joyous ones you ache to hold onto, nor the blackness. Wait long enough, and the inner scenery will change.

Now that he’s stopped running, Lenny finds his life is on an even keel. “It’s such a relief to be able to feel sad when I need to, and know that afterward I’ll be able to meet a friend for dinner and have some genuine laughs.”

6) You learn to let go of petty grievances

Kara came to therapy after her estranged best friend died. She collapsed on my couch and wept, “I hadn’t talked to Sue for nine months before she passed. Sometimes she was so self-absorbed I would get pissed. But I never mentioned it.” Sighing, Kara admitted, “My solution was after 10 years of sisterhood to stop taking her calls.”

My patient always assumed one day she’d reunite with her friend. Then it became too late. Kara said, “Sue never told me she was diagnosed with cancer. Then her husband left a message with details for her funeral.”

This blow sent Kara into a spiral of angst and self-loathing. “Why couldn’t I appreciate all her wonderful qualities — her sweetness, her humor, her loyalty — instead of focusing on the one thing that bugged me?”

Kara’s grief was twofold. Not only had she lost someone she loved; she’d lost valuable time the two could have shared. “I will never again expect someone I love to be perfect.”

What has given Kara solace is becoming deeply involved in the lives of Sue’s children. “I take them shopping, they tell me their secrets, and I give them advice. I won’t abandon them.”

It isn’t possible to overcome or fix things after a loss. You won’t revert to being the person you were before the tragedy. But that is not a bad thing. Living with the knowledge that everything is tenuous and the only thing over which you have control is your own reactions is a gift. It offers an opportunity to create a richer, more meaningful life.

Sherry Amatenstein is a couples therapist in New York City, as well as the author of three books on relationships.

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First Person is Vox’s home for compelling, provocative narrative essays. Do you have a story to share? Read our submission guidelines, and pitch us at firstperson@vox.com.

I’m often asked if I can tell from my first contact with a couple if they are headed for divorce. The answer is, “Yes, but…”

Yes, if they are emitting nonstop words and gestures of anger and disrespect throughout the session. Yes, if their values and goals are galaxies apart. Yes, if there has been a bucketload of betrayal and no effort to make amends.

But the fact that they are seeking counseling means that a soupçon of hope remains. It becomes clear quickly whether there is something healthy left amid the dysfunction that can take root and flower.

Here are nine signs that the relationship is on life support. (All patients’ names are changed.)

1) They’re trapped in a tsunami of contempt

Andrew and Sheila sat on opposite ends of the couch, their bodies stiff as Buckingham Palace guards save for the occasional eye roll. They’d spent the entirety of the first session hurling insults and blaming one another for everything except global warming and the Sony hacking.

Andrew: “All you do is complain. You never appreciated when I did something nice, so I stopped bothering.”

Sheila: “Oh please. As usual, you’re rewriting history. I’m the one who constantly twisted myself into a pretzel pleasing you and got nothing in return because you are incapable of a kind gesture.”

Andrew: “You are so stupid I can’t bear listening to a word you say.”

When a couple is this far in the weeds, they need more than a compass to get back.

I work to help each person own his or her share in what the relationship has become, to encourage them to remember what they saw in one another way back when, and to understand that being mean has a ricochet effect — nastiness will come whipping back.

If they can’t moderate this abhorrent behavior, not only will this relationship implode, but so will any subsequent one they attempt.

Sheila said in our fifth and final session, “I don’t like myself when I’m awful to Andrew. But he doesn’t bring out the good side in me anymore. And I don’t bring it out in him. So I think it is time for us to part.”

2) They’re more married to chaos and dysfunction than to one another

It is human nature to mirror behavior that is familiar. If you were raised in a home where yelling, uncertainty, and lots of drama were constants, that is your model for what marriage looks like.

This doesn’t mean you are doomed to fail at long-term love. But old habits won’t die unless you start forging better ones.

Growing up, Beth was forced to watch her parents loudly criticize one another and regularly break plans and promises to each other and their children. Her father was a compulsive shopaholic, plunging the family into financial turmoil.

Her husband, Paul, raised by two alcoholics, was no stranger to turmoil. He spent his first 16 years being the “good boy” so he wouldn’t trigger his volatile parents.

Marriage counseling was their Hail Mary attempt to avoid divorce. Paul said, “When things are calm, I’m afraid Beth has stopped loving me. She shows passion by yelling. But her screaming gives me panic attacks.” More and more frequently he began spending the night at a neighbor’s house.

Partners need not wholly agree on core issues, but if their differences are extreme, conflict is inevitable

Beth admitted, “Paul is always so sweet, yet I live in fear he’ll leave. So I make myself unlovable by acting like a bitch on steroids. Then I feel terrible.”

Beneath the havoc, both longed for safe harbor. Once they realized they were copying their parents’ relationship styles, it became easier to stop. We explored healthy boundaries and rules such as, “If you want to make a big purchase, first discuss it with your partner.”

Most importantly, we explored the emotions underneath the defensiveness and fear. Rather than testing her husband’s love by acting out, Beth began to ask for what she needed: “I’m feeling insecure right now. Can you hug me?”

And Paul was increasingly able to express his desires: “Your yelling makes me feel like a kid cowering from my parents. Can you please lower the volume?” He no longer needed to run away.

As their relationship went from toxic to trusting, instead of calling a divorce lawyer they began discussing having a baby. Beth said, “It won’t be easy but I now believe I’m not doomed to repeat my parents’ mistakes.”

3) They’ve been rocked to the core by a tragedy

While wedding vows state “for better or for worse,” some couples find being together after the worst a too-painful reminder of unbearable loss.

Kathy and Bill were childhood sweethearts who’d been passionate about starting a family. They came to therapy six months after their infant died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

As Kathy said in session, “When Dickie was born it felt like the culmination of all our dreams. Now, everything is ash.”

In therapy, each admitted secretly blaming the other for the death. They came to see these feelings were an attempt to make a little sense out of an otherwise inexplicable horror.

They learned how to communicate instead of withholding, and to stop feeling guilty whenever they forgot about their loss for a few hours.

However, they ultimately decided to separate because, without the baby, there was little connective tissue. “We got married so young we didn’t really know ourselves, much less the other person,” Bill said at the last session.

Couples can survive tragedy when they have a rock-solid foundation. If a relationship is just about overcoming a crisis, the marriage will be in crisis.

(Shutterstock)

4) They’ve become apathetic toward their own marriage

When a couple comes into my office and I see that one or both is psychologically disconnected I tell myself, “Houston, we’ve got a major problem.”

This stage is reached only after a long and lethal drip, drip, drip period of increasing indifference. There is no more conflict, little communication beyond “We’re out of milk.” This stage is the result of months, perhaps years of a curling inward, not wanting to stick one’s neck out and risk being emotionally vulnerable for fear of being disrespected or ignored. There is little sharing of grievances or even small joys. Sex is a memory.

The slim chance for a road back involves risking real communication, a commitment to listen to the other person with “open ears” — meaning leave the defensiveness at the door.

5) They’ve lost the ability to see things from the other’s perspective

Ask someone if he or she understands how a partner feels on an issue that divides them, and odds are the answer will be, “Of course.” But when someone is totally convinced of the rightness of his or her position, no matter what the other person thinks, “of course” is lip service.

For instance, Pamela proclaiming, “Ken hates it when I tell him to lose a couple pounds but I’m doing it for his own good” is not the same as her “getting” that every time she tells Ken his pants are too tight he flashes back to a childhood of being called “Porky” by his siblings and classmates. Casually steamrolling past her spouse’s emotions can lead him to develop a hard shell around her — not conducive to long-term intimacy.

In To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee said, “You never know a man until you … climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

A homework assignment I give empathy-lite couples is for each to sit with a notepad or tablet and write about what it must feel like to be married to him or her.

After Pamela did this exercise she better understood Ken’s humiliation and pain whenever she made her “helpful” suggestions about losing weight. Once she realizes, “Oh yeah, he gets as hurt as I did when kids made fun of my lisp,” she can be more sensitive. Now Pamela says, “Ken I’m worried about the health aspects of being overweight. But to me you will always be the gorgeous guy I married even when you take a second helping of pasta.”

Without empathy, it is hard for a marriage to survive.

6) They don’t trust each other (even when they should)

I have witnessed many relationships flounder on the shoals of obsessive jealousy.

Although Dave had never cheated on Carol, she was forever suspecting him of betrayal. Dave complained in session, “She’s constantly checking my phone. She’s suspicious if I want to watch a football game with my friends. She’s called me at work crying that she knows I’m having an affair with a co-worker — I’m not! I can’t take much more.”

Her paranoia had a historical base: Carol’s father was a habitual adulterer, as were her first two boyfriends.

If you were raised in a home where drama was a constant, that is your model for what marriage is like

I told her, “What you are doing is setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are pushing Dave away by your actions.”

She said, “In my rational moments I understand that. But when the doubts come over me I feel this unbearable pressure, and I have to lash out to release it.”

“You don’t have to lash out. You haven’t learned how to understand and control these impulses.”

Carol accepted she had a problem and was willing to do individual therapy.

Relationships thrive on trust. Suffocating your partner will eventually extinguish love.

7) Their values and goals are out of whack

Sandy and Jim knew going in that they had very little in common, but felt love and lust would overcome all. That formula worked for several years. But once they had children, things unraveled.

She complained, “He wants me to be a stay-at-home wife. But work is a large part of who I am.”

Jim responded, “It makes me feel rejected that you’d rather be at a law firm till all hours than with your kids and me.”

Another potential deal breaker was Sandy’s wish for an opulent lifestyle and Jim’s aversion to anything ostentatious.

Who we are is shaped by our backgrounds. Partners need not wholly agree on core issues like money, parental roles, child-rearing, housekeeping, and faith, but if their differences are extreme, stress and conflict are inevitable.

Love and lust are important, but people can’t ultimately change what is in their DNA. If acceptable compromises can’t be reached, divorce is likely inevitable. It was in the case of Sandy and Jim.

(Shutterstock)

8) They keep replaying the sins of the past

When the needle is stuck on the You-Done-Me-Wrong-in-2012 song, it’s nearly impossible for a relationship to move forward.

Cara and Peter came to therapy five years into their marriage because neither could stop dwelling on old hurts. Cara couldn’t get over Peter’s going on a date with another woman the week before their engagement. (He’d confessed, said nothing happened, and that he’d done it to make sure he was ready for marriage.) For his part, Peter kept rerunning Cara’s not being at the hospital with him when his father had open-heart surgery six weeks after their wedding.

Numerous apologies had been issued, each had “forgiven” the other, yet clearly not forgotten as the injurious behaviors kept being flung in each other’s faces during disagreements.

Cara said, “I know you’ve been faithful, but the image of you with another woman while carrying the engagement ring in your pocket still haunts me.”

Peter couldn’t let go of the feeling of betrayal that Cara hadn’t cut short a business trip to fly home for the operation. “I know you’ve been with me during other family health emergencies but in the back of my mind I still get that doubt, ‘Don’t I matter more than work?'”

In therapy we discussed how no one is perfect — even, especially! — a mate. Expectations of who we want our partner to be, rather than acceptance of who he or she is, are termites eating away at the fabric of a loving relationship. Hanging onto old resentments past their sell-by date take up valuable psychic real estate and makes it impossible to enjoy what is happening in the moment. Being trapped in resentment also keeps one feeling victimized.

I told them, “You’re afraid if you let down your guard, you will be hurt again. But if you don’t you will never be able to truly come together.”

It wasn’t an easy process, but Peter and Cara were ultimately able to move the needle past the all-too-familiar song.

9) Their relationship has become a business partnership instead of a marriage

You are lifetime partners, not roommates. You cannot come and go with a wave and blithe, “See you later.” Couples that fail to make one another the centerpiece of their life are straddling the red zone.

Dani and Jay came to therapy because they had begun living parallel lives — the kids, jobs, volunteer work and hobbies, Facebook updates — all took priority over spending quality time together.

Dani sighed, “I feel like we’ve become strangers. I don’t know what to talk to him about anymore.”

“I thought the marriage was in the bag so I could put energy to other areas. But it doesn’t work that way!”

Jay agreed, “She used to be my best friend. Now we’re more like business partners. I’m scared we can’t find our way back.”

They decided to do something about it. They stopped paying attention to anything but one another. Instead of doing separate hobbies, they enrolled in a dancing class together, turned off their tablets, and started talking to one another in the evening. They planned a weekend getaway sans children.

Dani said, “I thought the marriage was in the bag so I could put energy to other areas in my life. But it doesn’t work that way!”

Indeed it doesn’t. It is a rare relationship that doesn’t hit rough patches. But studies have shown that marriages that have been bruised by “negative, angry, or hurtful” remarks can rebound if the contempt and dysfunction is exchanged for kind and thoughtful deeds and words. Even if the marriage can’t be saved, stopping the poisonous behavior is still worthwhile!

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