Time scored a viral hit today with an article quoting 15 men on the reasons they might deign to date a woman over 30. In response, many social media users took offense and tweeted accordingly. Fear of backlash may be why we will never see Time publish this companion piece about why some women are willing to date men infected with a deadly infectious disease. Fortunately, we obtained an early draft of that article and present it here for your consideration:
13 women explain why they date men with the Bubonic Plague
We’ve all heard the sobering statistics: the Bubonic Plague killed nearly one-third of all Europeans at one point. It’s transmitted by rats. And let’s face it, guys: a Pew Research Center poll last month found that, given the choice, today’s single lady just doesn’t want to date a man with the Black Death.
But is it really true? Are all modern women really so backward in their thinking? As a woman with a relatively strong immune system and a penchant for infirm men, I decided to find out. And somehow I managed to ferret out 13 women who say they are totally willing to date men with the Bubonic Plague. Here’s what they told me about their unorthodox preferences.
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“I think I can fix them.” — Carolyn, 23, Dayton, Ohio
“I like the phrase ‘Black Death.’ It just sounds dangerous. Like that metalhead I dated in college. The one with the facial tattoos. I think his name was Scab or something?” — LeAnn, 32, Des Moines, Iowa
“They’re more stable.” — Susan, 19, Los Angeles, California
“Can you have babies with a guy with the plague? Man. Actually I should look that up. I mean, we haven’t discussed it because, you know, the Black Death. But then I’m not quite sure if I even want to have kids so maybe it’s a good thing? Help.” — Cora, 22, El Centro, California
“He’s done messing around. No more late nights at concerts or clubs or raves. For us, date night is a handful of antibiotics and a bottle of Chianti.” — Phyllis, 29, Birmingham, Alabama
“Through him, I’ve met all sorts of cute doctors. I mean, in case the worst happens. Wait. Am I a bad person?” — Sonia, 35, Knoxville, Tennessee
“He likes to use his illness as an entry point into mansplaining medieval European history. Which actually gets boring, but it seems to make him happy.” — Ivana, 21, Austin, Texas
“They know what they want. And that’s usually an extra blanket and a glass of 7Up. And I can give that to them.” — Caitlin, 39, Denver, Colorado
“The way he soldiers on despite his pustules. There’s something about that that screams, ‘masculinity.’” — Diana, 30, International Falls, Minnesota
“Much better sex.” — Anonymous, 25, Muncie, Indiana
“Their 105-degree fevers keep me warm at night.” — Alisha, 28, Boise, Idaho
”I mean, I’m over 30. Who else is going to date me?” — Lynnora, 37, Overland Park, Kansas
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