UPDATE: Mystery tunnel found near Pan Am Games venue in Toronto http://t.co/SeBwOD8mq3 pic.twitter.com/Sd5qVKx7o4
— CBC News (@CBCNews) February 24, 2015 A mysterious tunnel was discovered in a Toronto park. We have many, many questions.
Canadian police have asked the public for help identifying the origins of a mysterious tunnel that was found in a Toronto park. According to officials, the structure is about 10 meters long and two meters high inside, and was dug about 1.9 meters below ground. The tunnel was dug into an undeveloped hillside and does not appear to have connected to any buildings or infrastructure. It’s about 25 meters from the fence of the Rexall Centre, a tennis stadium that is home to Tennis Canada and which will host the tennis events of the next Pan American Games.
The police have said that the tunnel appears to have been dug by hand, by someone with a good understanding of structural integrity. It contained a generator and a sump pump for removing moisture — as well as a rosary and a single Remembrance Day poppy pinned to its wall, a ladder, tools, food and drink containers, and a moisture-proof lightbulb.
The tunnel’s origins and purpose remain completely unknown, and a source of wide speculation (and many jokes) among Canadians. Like the rest of the world, we have many, many questions about what could be going on here:
- There’s probably a totally reasonable explanation for this, right?
- For instance, isn’t it likely that this tunnel was simply dug by someone whose personal hobby was artisanal civil engineering?
- You know, as in “some people think that mechanized diggers are cool, but I find it more rewarding to really smell the mud and feel the weight of the bucket in my hands”?
- And really, who among us hasn’t felt the urge to spend months secretly digging a large, structurally-sound tunnel beneath a public park?
- Wouldn’t we all like to spend more time in a dimly-lit underground chamber, with nothing but the whirr of the generator and the gurgling of the sump pump to break the silence?
- Isn’t that basically what Virginia Woolf was talking about in A Room of One’s Own?
- And wouldn’t a tunnel like that have a lot of practical uses, too?
- For instance, don’t the poppy and rosary suggest that the space recently hosted a group of Madonna enthusiasts with a penchant for veterans’ remembrance?
- Is the tunnel available for event rentals?
- What about business off-sites?
- If tunnel meetings grow in popularity, how will that affect the market for other venues?
- Will business in Las Vegas falter as the perception grows that important meetings are supposed to be held in underground tunnels, not flashy casino convention halls?
- Could this affect the financial stability of billionaire casino magnate Sheldon Adelson?
- Will he be forced to withdraw from his role as a major contributor to Republican candidates?
- Is the tunnel trying to help the Democrats take back Congress?
- Does the tunnel support Hillary in 2016?
- What is the tunnel’s position on the Keystone XL pipeline?
- Well at least the tunnel never got vetoed by Obama, unlike someone we know, right?
- What does the tunnel mean, “and it’ll never have enough votes to make it out of the Senate if I have anything to say about it”?
- Is that why the tunnel got involved in US politics?
- Does the tunnel even care about global warming, or is this just a personal vendetta against the Keystone XL pipeline?
- Doesn’t the tunnel think that’s kind of sad?
- Can’t the tunnel stop trying to impress others and try to impress itself for a change?
- Would the tunnel like the name of a really great yoga retreat?
- Would the tunnel like the name of a really great therapist?
- Would the tunnel like a valium?
- Would the tunnel like a hug?
