Experts agree: Don’t avoid political conversations with family members

Charlottesville made it even more clear: American politics continues to become more divisive. During times like these, avoiding combative political conversations with family members can feel like the only option.

But psychologist Vaile Wright has the opposite advice: Engage with your family if they disagree with you. “If you stay on the surface with your relationships to keep the peace and choose not to have these tough conversations with people, what are you losing out on in the long run?” she said.

Political disagreement within families is common. One study suggests that around half of Americans reject the political affiliation from their parents. But in a time when Americans are increasingly partisan, conflict continues to play out at dinner tables and family gatherings across the country.

I talked to psychologists, mediators, and school counselors about the best ways to have conversations with people who have different political beliefs, expecting that they would tell me to just avoid these types of heated conversations. But they all gave me the opposite advice. These conversations cannot be ignored, but there are some tips to ensure effective communication.

Here’s the advice they gave me:

The first thing to think about is what are your goals in having this conversation. Is it to change the other person’s mind? Is it to just hear their prospective and gain some information that way?

The second thing is that there are some really basic skills that will enable more effective communication. Avoid all verbal attacks and judgment. You don’t have to validate someone else’s content that you may find inconsistent with your values, but you do need to at least validate their ability to share their feelings and willingness to be open. That is how you move a conversation forward if it ends up that you do not agree with their opinions.

The third is that even if you are the best communicator in the world, you still might not get the outcome you want. You need to have a coping plan for how you are going to deal with the feelings you are going to have when you couldn’t enact the change you wanted. And then, you need to figure out a way that you can keep trying to have these difficult conversations.

If you stay on the surface with your relationships to keep the peace and choose not to have these tough conversations with people, what are you losing out on in the long run? You probably aren’t having a fully meaningful relationship with that person because neither of you are taking the time or initiative to understand each other’s point of view. You are also continuing to reinforce this idea that we can’t talk about this idea, and by doing that, you are perpetuating a system that continues to oppress certain groups.

You need to keep the conversation only about individual issues. Do not connect it to the left or to the right, or to a particular political candidate. The connection people feel with their city’s sports team is the same way they feel with political candidates. If you attack someone’s sports team, they are never going to agree with you, no matter how qualified your position is.

If you want people to see things from your side you need to connect it to a person’s emotions. For example, with the issue of equal pay for women — people are more likely to connect to the issue if you bring it down to their level. Say something like, “Now how would you feel if your daughter worked just as hard as a man in her office but was paid much less?”

When you are talking about political issues you are more likely to convince people of something if you point out the positives of something rather than appealing to their fear. Don’t try to tell someone all the negative outcomes of trusting in a certain ideology. Instead, tell them all the positives of believing in a different ideology.

I am the founder of an organization called Mediators Beyond Borders that works in countries around the world to build conflict resolution. An event we held brought together Greeks and the new migrant community [a source of tension in recent years] to have dialogue about their differences.

The types of questions they were asked were: Have you ever in your family, neighborhood, or workplace been the new person? What did that feel like? Have you ever been in a situation where you were not accepted? Or, on the opposite end — have you ever been in one place for a while and all of the sudden someone new came in and changed everything?

By sitting next to someone that you previously thought was so different and having a conversation with them, you will begin to recognize the human elements to them. Racism and prejudice does not stem from hatred. It stems from fear. The only way to overcome fear and eliminate that fear is through dialogue.

And one crucial part of discussing politics that we all need to keep in mind is that it is not a zero-sum game. We need to shift conversations about politics away from win/lose assumptions that identify one side as entirely correct and the other as entirely wrong.

We need to really engage with people face to face when we have one of these conversations. People do not engage well with others when there is an audience of people watching — as there is on social media — so if you find yourself getting in a political argument online or on the phone, take a step back and ask them to meet up.

Never try to “get the last word,” but do not stop engaging in these types of difficult conversations or give up. You need to stick to these conversations so that you can fully understand the other person as much as you are capable.

Overall, my best advice when having political conversations with others is do not try to stand up to others who differ in beliefs. Instead, try to sit down with them.

It is important for students to understand their own unconscious biases so that they can ensure they don’t make decisions or judgments based on those biases. This can be difficult and humbling at first, but it also goes back to gaining awareness of other people’s backgrounds and history.

Too often I hear white people say they are colorblind, because that is their way of saying that they don’t see color; they are not racist. But the last thing we should be is colorblind. We need to teach our students to see color and other races so they can gain a better understanding of where those students are coming from.

Our society tries to shield difficult conversations and horrific events from our youth because it is assumed that they don’t understand what is going on, or that they are too young to be exposed to some harsh realities. But the reality is that our young students are hearing about these events and developing their own opinions — sometimes with some lack of knowledge or guidance.

Educators certainly need to be prepared to handle a discussion that may escalate into an argument between students. A lot of teaching can happen during those arguments, so I don’t think they should be avoided. These arguments just need to be controlled and deescalated in a timely manner so the emotions do not continue to build.